Hi there readers, today's post will be a dull one as I'm really down in this few weeks. It is mainly about my studies and assignments. I'm really really lost in class, I don't actually like what I'm doing right now. I'm always not here and not there. Sometimes I really wonder what am I good at? What is my strength? I do know that I have TONS OF WEAKNESSES and I simply couldn't identify my good points. God created everyone with strength and weaknesses but I am so sorry God, I just don't know what am I good at or for.
There is this one subject that requires me to film a video, I did it one month before the due date, I thought I'm very safe and at the beginning I am quite please with my video, but after seeing all my other course mates' video, I felt like trashing my own video. My video's quality is so blur and most of my course mates are using either DSLR or a semi-pro camera, whereas mine is just a normal old fashion video camera. I just felt so inferior to the extent where I skipped classes to avoid my lecturer from seeing my video, I just couldn't bear it if he criticizes me. These few questions bothering me this few weeks, will I fail this assignment? Will my lecturer criticize my video? Should I show my lecturer the video that I had filmed? I don't know whether am I enlarging this problem or it is this serious till the extent that I felt depressed for this few weeks. I really need your help and guidance Lord, for once let me pass this assignment Lord. I really don't wish to fail and re-take any of my subject Lord. I had done my best and put in the best effort that I could Lord. I had find and beg people to participate in this video, I had asked people to borrow me this video camera, I had asked my friend to help me on video editing, I done the best that I could Lord. I really don't know what to do if I fail this video Lord.
Besides, the grades that I had received for my other assignments wasn't that bright too. It is all at passable level. I struggled hard to write and I really have no idea on how to improve my writing. There is even one subject that my lecturer wrote on my paper 'see me'. And yeah, I don't know whether will I pass or fail as I have to see my lecturer first before I know my grades. Though this assignment only worth of 15% out of 100% in my final marks, but this incident had beat my confidence on doing well in this subject tremendously.
I am just so depressed. I don't wish to have flying colors, I only wish to pass and not fail any of my subjects. I just don't want to disappoint my parents and disappoint myself.
I just need my Lord to help me. I need to go through this. I need to fight. I need to strive hard.
The pressure is here.
Nothing seems to be bright right now. It's all gloomy. Level of confidence dropped down to zero.
Sometimes I do regret upon my decision of transferring to Taylor's, else I will graduate this November in Monash.By end of this year I can finish off my three years degree course and don't need to study anymore.
Sadly and of course, there is no turning back. I just have to face the fact and continue walking. 1 and a half year more till graduation, I must go through it. MUST & WILL.
And I'm really sorry that I am not an excellent student which will make my parents proud. My parents splurge hundred of thousands on my education and yet I'm stuck at the level of passing and fail, not between the line of distinction and high distinction.
Sometimes I am so ashamed of myself because the money spent on me will give nothing in return to my parents. Not a high pay career nor a flying colors cert. This hundred of thousands is a failed investment. I am a shame.
Sorry, I shall stop typing right now. This is going to be a very negative post. I hope I will wake up happily tomorrow. Hope this negative emotions will disappear in no time.
Till Then, Au Revoir!